I was so excited when I heard that Toke Makinwa, a Nigerian, multi-media personality (Radio, TV and Youtube) released her much anticipated book "On Becoming". I was a strong fan of Toke Makinwa, as in strong one oooo.....I am subscribed to her youtube channel, I follow her on Instagram and even spoke on her behalf once on Instagram (something I hardly do), let's not even mention Snapchat, because why won't I follow the lady I have admired all these years on snapchat!!
A scandal broke out last year June of how her beloved husband, who she had known for twelve years impregnated his long time "mistress". We all waited for Toke Makinwa to share her side of the story as the speculations were just too much but I was surprised, as I clicked a Youtube video from her, titled "THE SHOW MUST GO ON" with my celebrity crush blooming with smiles and nothing of the marriage scandal mentioned!! Insults followed as many people felt her unfit to dish out relationship advises and some claimed her actions were pretentious.
Now a book has being released!!..I must admit getting hold of this book was another story on its own but shall we get to my understanding of the book "ON BECOMING".
So I finally got my hands on the much anticipated book and I couldn't wait to read the book, I finished the 112 pages book in about 2 hours and I must say, I was of mixed emotions while reading the book. I cried, smiled, giggled and even had my brows raised as I was surprised at somethings I had read.
The book is a 14 chapter book and each chapter had a different story to tell but I must say that chapter 6 to 11 had the same storyline, which was all about being "Repeatedly and constantly cheated on". Maje, who is the Ex- Husband, got his name mentioned over 300 times (seriously speaking). As on each page, you would notice his name was mentioned at least thrice. The author used the real names for the story, how that was possible I DON'T KNOW but it is a 'must tell' right?
MY THOUGHTS!!
1. THE TITLE
I felt the title of the book was a little misleading, as the 112 pages of the book didn't state what she became......fine!! she says she became stronger and brave but at what point na? After the news got to the public? Was the realization for a change as a result of public humiliation and shame? I felt she wrote more on her victory and success but I guess I expected too much!!
2.WHY THE BOOK?
According to Toke, she said she wanted her story to be hers, as in told by herself. Secondly, she was inspired by a friend who gave her an instruction from the Holy spirit (rolls eyes).
One morning, a friend reached out to me. She said that the Holy Spirit had instructed her to tell me to write about my experiences, and that it would change so many lives. She told me to stop feeling sorry for myself because the book, if written, would not be all about me.
And I guess she forgot to add that... This written book wasn't a free one to the public as it was a source of income and gained her several interviews and radio shows but I must admit, this is the first of it's kind in Africa; a woman publicly reporting her husband with his numerous and stable mistresses to the world...really one of a kind!!
3. GOOD UPBRINGING
I admired the good christian values and morals, installed in her as a kid, reading that part of the book was so beautiful. I admired her parents and their struggle. her father was a very hardworking and humble man.
My parents were industrious. Besides their regular jobs, they pursued other endeavours. Dad was taking classes after work so he could get a law degree. After he got the 504 he started coming home even later than usual. I remember once waking up around 3 am to the sound of someone entering the house. I checked and it was my dad; he had a face cap on. I asked why he was just coming home and he explained that he had driven his car as a taxi all night. He wore the cap to disguise himself. Of course, he sent me back to bed, but I remember praying for God to protect him as he went about while we slept. He eventually hired a driver to do the taxi bit so he could spend more time with us
Mum owned a shop in Garki, where she hired tailors to make and amend clothes . She also suupplied drinks to a lot of the big hotels in Abuja at the time including the Hilton, Agura and Sheraton. Sometimes, after teaching at school she'd travel to lagos overnight to buy goods and return the next day.
4. MALICE!!
As I read this part of the book, I got all emotional....in short!! No lies, I was crying. I could feel her pain and shock at this point and this made me understand, some of her reasons for so many things done. I really do hope many of us would learn from this, because as a result of malice an information wasn't passed along and that lead to the death of 'four' people. Four lives down the drain.....because of I DON'T SPEAK TO HER!!
The bang I had heard was the sound of the gas cylinder exploding. My mum had gotten the cylinder on Friday and brought it home only to discover a leak when it was turned on. She left instructions with Grace , who had been on duty that weekend, saying that the cylinder was not to be used and that she would return it on Monday. There was no way to contact the gas people before then. We had used a kerosene stove throughout the weekend. When the other help, Ruth, returned early that Monday morning, Grace didn't pass the information because they weren't talking. Ruth unaware of the danger, had put on the gas cylinder and tried to light the cooker. She died in the first blast. Grace survived the first blast but later died in the hospital.
My dad had come out of the building smelling of burning rubber, putting out the fire on his shorts as he tried to explain what had happened to a crowd thar seemed to be getting bigger every minute. I could see his lips move but I couldn't hear him because I didn't leave my spot. It wasn't bright yet, I took comfort in the dark. There was something I could taste in my mouth: it was Fear. Fear gripped me and I could barely move. I'm not sure my dad even saw me as he walked past me.
In movies , you sometimes see a scene with someone burning from head to toe, screaming and trying to fight the flames. It happened right in front of me. Everyone ran back trying to figure out who it was and how to put out the flames, shouting advice from a safe distance. It took me a moment to realize that it was mum. I stood glued to the spot, watching her burn.
If my five years in medical school hadn't taught me nothing, at least I could understand from this page that Toke Makinwa suffered from Psychological trauma. She never spoke about her parents death until now, she didn't heal and that experience stayed rooted in her even till puberty.
5. SOME STEPS BACKWARDS
She questioned her christian faith after the tragic incident of her parents. She was in shock and couldn't believe her parents did not survive after all the prayers, as the blast had happened immediately after morning devotion. Like every human being, we tend to take a step backwards when faced with challenges that tests our faith......she was a child and a human being that needed love and attention (an example is the story of job in the bible, he was one man that stood strong to his faith in God)
"I was eight years old when mum and dad died. And life continued...I couldn't find closure...Where was God when that gas cylinder exploded? Dad had been active in the church and wasn't the type to act one way in public and another way at home. He had made sure we all took prayers, the Bible and everything else seriously. So what was the purpose of religion if it could not even save its follwers? We had just finished morning devotion when the tragedy hit. Where was the justice in that?'
With this I could understand where her stubborn nature came from as a child, the partying and all. She even admitted how this had affected her studies but thank God for her Big Mummy.....She gained her path back.
6. WAS MAJE TOKE MAKINWA'S FIRST RELATIONSHIP?
Maje wasn't Toke makinwa's first relationship as believed by me earlier. She mentioned a few names in her book, from Sunday who was her first love to Bidemi who was also tall and soft spoken......to Seun who broke up with her in a club, where she met Maje. She was never alone, she never had time to build on herself and understand herself worth as she was moving from relationship to relationship. she was a girl with daddy issues and was filling up the space a father would have played in her life.
That day's topic was about making marriage work, and it hit me so hard that I cried like a baby. I wasn't a virtuous woman; I was a girl! A girl with a daddy void so large that she laid all of her issues and expectations on a man who was still trying to discover his purpose. All my mistakes became clear to me. I hadn't lost my marriage to another woman. I had given my marriage to her.
7. THE SIGNS WERE ALL THERE!!
At some point, I was angry reading this book. I asked myself how someone can be too foolish in Love!! Maje didn't force himself on Toke at any point, he showed her all the signs.
- Her Abuja trip to see him, where she had an encounter with Hauwa and Aisha,
- How he treated her, like a stranger when she came to visit him.
- How he lied times without numbers.
- How he went for Anita's call to bar but not her graduation.
- How Maje mother stylishly told her that God would grant her her own husband.
- How Maje's sister told her not to marry her brother unless she heard from God.
- He had even lied about his first child while they were living together until she found out by stalking his email.
- He had given her STDs while they were living together as a couple.
- How he asked for a sex tape from her and she saw another sex tape of Maje and the mistress ( they weren't married then but she still stayed in the relationship)
- How he didn't show up for his wedding registry three times (Registry set by who sef? and she lied on her Instagram that it was a surprise wedding, giving a man credit for nothing)
- How after she traveled to the UK ....realized that Maje and Anita had gone public with their relationship all over Facebook ( but he wrote you as soon as you got back that 'he missed you' and you fell for it and somewhat forgot he was once public with Anita and had never been with you............where is the sense in all these please???)
His response shocked me "You're the wife, she's the girlfriend. It's high time you started behaving like my wife; she's just a girl"
I decided to respect myself as "the wife" and not get into anything thing with Anita.We spent time together that evening and I didn't talk about it again that day. It was obvious that Maje was dating both Anita and ME; the signs were all there.
8. HEY STRANGER
She wrote in Chapter 10, giving out like 5 advises to people that may happen to discover a stranger in their marriage like hers...........I must say Toke Makinwa didn't discover a stranger in her marriage, she married him> knowing the kind of man he was, she married him>fully aware he lies. She married him aware of a competition in her marriage but probably felt she would win!!
I am not supporting anyone, because I am someone that believes strongly that there are three sides to a story; In this case...Her story, their story and the truth and surely only God knows that.
9. EXCUSES! EXCUSES!! EXCUSES!!!
Toke Makinwa failed to own up to her actions and that saddens me. Like why?, She exposed herself as a very weak vindictive woman, who was unaware of several lessons in life and well.......She completely spoiled Maje's and Anita's character.
What annoyed me was when she said...."She had lightened her skin at some point" because of Maje....I felt so sad, this just showed a woman with deep low self esteem issues. I could relate because while in secondary as a black girl, I was never called beautiful....I was made to wash toilets and clean the gutters as my morning chores while my mates raked the garden. I was made to wash some of my mates clothes, forced to make my mates hair and iron their uniforms while they slept at night. I always prayed to God to make me beautiful and learnt to compliment every beautiful person I saw because I felt complimenting beautiful people would make me pretty as well. I hardly spoke a word in my junior secondary days because of this. I suffered from a serious skin disease which had made me cut my hair from my nursery school days up till my junior secondary (I was on skin cut).
No one taught me to be confident but my self, as I read the Word of God.....I remember to study my Sunday school manual with the theme of that year" ZEALOUS TEENS" and that opened my eye to a lot of things and my journey to self -love began. I say this long story because I understand how the society look at us Dark girls but that is still no excuse for not owning up to your actions. If you did all that for a man, why didn't you stop at some point, when you realized?....BUT...she still bleaches so???(rolls eyes)
10. THE OTHER WOMAN
I noticed that Chapter 10 which was dedicated to the "the other woman" was left blank. The quote written on this particular chapter was written by no other but Toke Makinwa herself and about five pages left blank.
"In the beginning you'll be mad, you'll feel disrespected, hatred is your fuel and revenge becomes the mission. But as time progresses, so will your numbness, and then you will realize; the Hurt you feel has blessed you tremendously"
Hummmmmm, quite shady I must say!!
11.FORGIVENESS OR REVENGE?
It is quite Obvious that Toke Makiwa was hurt, but the outcome of the book seems a lot more like revenge to a few persons. I just hope she has found out it in her heart to forgive her Ex - husband and mistress. And has realized that God has better things in store for her......because from every stepping stone, there is a breakthrough!!
It was enough to ask God for forgiveness. I would have to agree that I had not been perfect and ask my husband's forgiveness in the spirit of true repentance. So I called Maje, and after I apologized I felt a weight lifted off me.
One thing I know for sure was that Toke Makinwa brought to light what most girls and wives have been suffering in silence. I really hope this would inspire and teach some people but the sad truth is "No one ever admits they have a problem and the African woman has been taught to fight for her marriage, stay and pray if something wrong happens".
I also hope that most of us,would also learn from this and stop Idolizing celebrities......They are humans just like us and go through their struggles and pain, most times they try to mask their pains for we their 'fans'.
You can get this Toke Makinwa's book "On Becoming" on Amazon, Kiddle, Ibooks and also at Okada books. Feel free to write me an email using my CONTACT ME FORM (if need be). Thanks for visiting once more.#XOXO
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