MY THOUGHTS ON "ON BECOMING" TOKE MAKINWA'S BOOK....

I was so excited when I heard that Toke Makinwa, a Nigerian, multi-media personality (Radio, TV and Youtube) released her much anticipated book "On Becoming". I was a strong fan of Toke Makinwa, as in strong one oooo.....I am subscribed to her youtube channel, I follow her on Instagram and even spoke on her behalf once on Instagram (something I hardly do), let's not even mention Snapchat, because why won't I follow the lady I have admired all these years on snapchat!!


   A scandal broke out last year June of how her beloved husband, who she had known for twelve years impregnated his long time "mistress". We all waited for Toke Makinwa to share her side of the story as the speculations were just too much but I was surprised, as I clicked a Youtube video from her, titled "THE SHOW MUST GO ON" with my celebrity crush blooming with smiles and nothing of the marriage scandal mentioned!! Insults followed as many people felt her unfit to dish out relationship advises and some claimed her actions were pretentious.

Now a book has being released!!..I must admit getting hold of this book was another story on its own but shall we get to my understanding of the book "ON BECOMING".

So I finally got my hands on the much anticipated book and I couldn't wait to read the book, I finished the 112 pages book in about 2 hours and I must say, I was of mixed emotions while reading the book. I cried, smiled, giggled and even had my brows raised as I was surprised at somethings I had read.

The book is a 14 chapter book and each chapter had a different story to tell but I must say that chapter 6 to 11 had the same storyline, which was all about being "Repeatedly and constantly cheated on". Maje, who is the Ex- Husband, got his name mentioned over 300 times (seriously speaking). As on each page, you would notice his name was mentioned at least thrice. The author used the real names for the story, how that was possible I DON'T KNOW but it is a 'must tell' right?



 MY THOUGHTS!!

1. THE TITLE
 I felt the title of the book was a little misleading, as the 112 pages of the book didn't state what she became......fine!! she says she became stronger and brave but at what point  na? After the news got to the public? Was the realization for a change as a result of public humiliation and shame? I felt she wrote more on her victory and success but I guess I expected too much!!

2.WHY THE BOOK?
 According to Toke, she said she wanted her story to be hers, as in told by herself. Secondly, she was inspired by a friend who gave her an instruction from the Holy spirit (rolls eyes).

One morning, a friend reached out to me. She said that the Holy Spirit had instructed her to tell me to write about my experiences, and that it would change so many lives. She told me to stop feeling sorry for myself because the book, if written, would not be all about me.

 And I guess she forgot to add that... This written book wasn't a free one to the public as it was a source of income and gained her several interviews and radio shows but I must admit, this is the first of it's kind in Africa; a woman publicly reporting her husband with his numerous and stable mistresses to the world...really one of a kind!! 

 3. GOOD UPBRINGING

 I admired the good christian values and morals, installed in her as a kid, reading that part of the book was so beautiful. I admired her parents and their struggle. her father was a very hardworking and humble man.

My parents were industrious. Besides their regular jobs, they pursued other endeavours. Dad was taking classes after work so he could get a law degree. After he got the 504 he started coming home even later than usual. I remember once waking up around 3 am to the sound of someone entering the house. I checked and it was my dad; he had a face cap on. I asked why he was just coming home and he explained that he had driven his car as a taxi all night. He wore the cap to disguise himself. Of course, he sent me back to bed, but I remember praying for God to protect him as he went about while we slept. He eventually hired a driver to do the taxi bit so he could spend more time with us

Mum owned a shop in Garki, where she hired tailors to make and amend clothes . She also suupplied drinks to a lot of the big hotels in Abuja at the time including the Hilton, Agura and Sheraton. Sometimes, after teaching at school she'd travel to lagos overnight to buy goods and return the next day.

4. MALICE!!

 As I read this part of the book, I got all emotional....in short!! No lies, I was crying. I could feel her pain and shock at this point and this made me understand, some of her reasons for so many things done. I really do hope many of us would learn from this, because as a result of malice an information wasn't passed along and that lead to the death of 'four' people. Four lives down the drain.....because of I DON'T SPEAK TO HER!!

The bang I had heard was the sound of the gas cylinder exploding. My mum had gotten the cylinder on Friday and brought it home only to discover a leak when it was turned on. She left instructions with Grace , who had been on duty that weekend, saying that the cylinder was not to be used and that she would return it on Monday. There was no way to contact the gas people before then. We had used a kerosene stove throughout the weekend. When the other help, Ruth, returned early that Monday morning, Grace didn't pass the information because they weren't talking. Ruth unaware of the danger, had put on the gas cylinder and tried to light the cooker. She died in the first blast. Grace survived the first blast but later died in the hospital.

My dad had come out of the building smelling of burning rubber, putting out the fire on his shorts as he tried to explain what had happened to a crowd thar seemed to be getting bigger every minute. I could see his lips move but I couldn't hear him because I didn't leave my spot. It wasn't bright yet, I took comfort in the dark. There was something I could taste in my mouth: it was Fear. Fear gripped me and I could barely move. I'm not sure my dad even saw me as he walked past me.

In movies , you sometimes see a scene with someone burning from head to toe, screaming and trying to fight the flames. It happened right in front of me. Everyone ran back trying to figure out who it was and how to put out the flames, shouting advice from a safe distance. It took me a moment to realize that it was mum. I stood glued to the spot, watching her burn.

If my five years in medical school hadn't taught me nothing, at least I could understand from this page that Toke Makinwa suffered from Psychological trauma. She never spoke about her parents death until now, she didn't heal and that experience stayed rooted in her even till puberty.

5. SOME STEPS BACKWARDS

 She questioned her christian faith after the tragic incident of her parents. She was in shock and couldn't believe her parents did not survive after all the prayers, as the blast had happened immediately after morning devotion. Like every human being, we tend to take a step backwards when faced with challenges that tests our faith......she was a child and a human being that needed love and attention (an example is the story of job in the bible, he was one man that stood strong to his faith in God)

"I was eight years old when mum and dad died. And life continued...I couldn't find closure...Where was God when that gas cylinder exploded? Dad had been active in the church and wasn't the type to act one way in public and another way at home. He had made sure we all took prayers, the Bible and everything else seriously. So what was the purpose of religion if it could not even save its follwers? We had just finished morning devotion when the tragedy hit. Where was the justice in that?'

With this I could understand where her stubborn nature came from as a child, the partying and all. She even admitted how this had affected her studies but thank God for her Big Mummy.....She gained her path back.

6. WAS MAJE TOKE MAKINWA'S FIRST RELATIONSHIP? 

Maje wasn't Toke makinwa's first relationship as believed by me earlier. She mentioned a few names in her book, from Sunday who was her first love to Bidemi who was also tall and soft spoken......to Seun who broke up with her in a club, where she met Maje. She was never alone, she never had time to build on herself and understand herself worth as she was moving from relationship to relationship. she was a girl with daddy issues and was filling up the space a father would have played in her life.

 That day's topic was about making marriage work, and it hit me so hard that I cried like a baby. I wasn't a virtuous woman; I was a girl! A girl with a daddy void so large that she laid all of her issues and expectations on a man who was still trying to discover his purpose. All my mistakes became clear to me. I hadn't lost my marriage to another woman. I had given my marriage to her.

7. THE SIGNS WERE ALL THERE!!

 At some point, I was angry reading this book. I asked myself how someone can be too foolish in Love!! Maje didn't force himself on Toke at any point, he showed her all the signs.

• Her Abuja trip to see him, where she had an encounter with Hauwa and Aisha,
• How he treated her, like a stranger when she came to visit him.
• How he lied times without numbers.
• How he went for Anita's call to bar but not her graduation.
• How Maje mother stylishly told her that God would grant her her own husband. 
• How Maje's sister told her not to marry her brother unless she heard from God.
• He had even lied about his first child while they were living together until she found out by stalking his email.
• He had given her STDs while they were living together as a couple.
• How he asked for a sex tape from her and she saw another sex tape of Maje and the mistress ( they weren't married then but she still stayed in the relationship)
• How he didn't show up for his wedding registry three times (Registry set by who sef? and she lied on her Instagram that it was a surprise wedding, giving a man credit for nothing)
• How after she traveled to the UK ....realized that Maje and Anita had gone public with their relationship all over Facebook ( but he wrote you as soon as you got back that 'he missed you' and you fell for it and somewhat forgot he was once public with Anita and had never been with you............where is the sense in all these please???)

His response shocked me "You're the wife, she's the girlfriend. It's high time you started behaving like my wife; she's just a girl"

I decided to respect myself as "the wife" and not get into anything thing with Anita.We spent time together that evening and I didn't talk about it again that day. It was obvious that Maje was dating both Anita and ME; the signs were all there.

8. HEY STRANGER

 She wrote in Chapter 10, giving out like 5 advises to people that may happen to discover a stranger in their marriage like hers...........I must say Toke Makinwa didn't discover a stranger in her marriage, she married him> knowing the kind of man he was, she married him>fully aware he lies. She married him aware of a competition in her marriage but probably felt she would win!!

I am not supporting anyone, because I am someone that believes strongly that there are three sides to a story; In this case...Her story, their story and the truth and surely only God knows that. 

9. EXCUSES! EXCUSES!! EXCUSES!!!

 Toke Makinwa failed to own up to her actions and that saddens me. Like why?, She exposed herself as a very weak vindictive woman, who was unaware of several lessons in life and well.......She completely spoiled Maje's and Anita's character.

What annoyed me was when she said...."She had lightened her skin at some point" because of Maje....I felt so sad, this just showed a woman with deep low self esteem issues. I could relate because while in secondary as a black girl, I was never called beautiful....I was made to wash toilets and clean the gutters as my morning chores while my mates raked the garden. I was made to wash some of my mates clothes, forced to make my mates hair and iron their uniforms while they slept at night. I always prayed to God to make me beautiful and learnt to compliment every beautiful person I saw because I felt complimenting beautiful people would make me pretty as well. I hardly spoke a word in my junior secondary days because of this. I suffered from a serious skin disease which had made me cut my hair from my nursery school days up till my junior secondary (I was on skin cut).

No one taught me to be confident but my self, as I read the Word of God.....I remember to study my Sunday school manual with the theme of that year" ZEALOUS TEENS" and that opened my eye to a lot of things and my journey to self -love began. I say this long story because I understand how the society look at us Dark girls but that is still no excuse for not owning up to your actions. If you did all that for a man, why didn't you stop at some point, when you realized?....BUT...she still bleaches so???(rolls eyes)

10. THE OTHER WOMAN
 I noticed that Chapter 10 which was dedicated to the "the other woman" was left blank. The quote written on this particular chapter was written by no other but Toke Makinwa herself and about five pages left blank.

"In the beginning you'll be mad, you'll feel disrespected, hatred is your fuel and revenge becomes the mission. But as time progresses, so will your numbness, and then you will realize; the Hurt you feel has blessed you tremendously"

Hummmmmm, quite shady I must say!!

11.FORGIVENESS OR REVENGE?
 It is quite Obvious that Toke Makiwa was hurt, but the outcome of the book seems a lot more like revenge to a few persons. I just hope she has found out it in her heart to forgive her Ex - husband and mistress. And has realized that God has better things in store for her......because from every stepping stone, there is a breakthrough!!

It was enough to ask God for forgiveness. I would have to agree that I had not been perfect and ask my husband's forgiveness in the spirit of true repentance. So I called Maje, and after I apologized I felt a weight lifted off me.

One thing I know for sure was that Toke Makinwa brought to light what most girls and wives have been suffering in silence. I really hope this would inspire and teach some people but the sad truth is "No one ever admits they have a problem and the African woman has been taught to fight for her marriage, stay and pray if something wrong happens".
I also hope that most of us,would also learn from this and stop Idolizing celebrities......They are humans just like us and go through their struggles and pain, most times they try to mask their pains for we their 'fans'.


You can get this Toke Makinwa's book "On Becoming" on Amazon, Kiddle, Ibooks and also at Okada books. Feel free to write me an email using my CONTACT ME FORM (if need be). Thanks for visiting once more.#XOXO

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OLD MEN IN POWER!!

Hi guys!!
Some of you would be wondering by now what the title of this post is all about but I ask you not to be as I would get to that in a bit. This has been pondering  my mind for quite some time now, I must say!! Why are old men within the age of 65-79 years of age👴 elected into power as Rulers/Leaders whereas in the Labor force or Health sector are told to retire at the age of sixty because they are termed not physically fit for Job performance😏.....Like for real!! I am confused.

The human body is a complex one and from the age of 40 in both men and women, we are more prone to have developed several chronic diseases. Even from the age of 60 years, the human body(physically) isn't the only thing that undergoes changes, the human mind as well!!. There may be mild disturbance in the level of thinking, behavioral changes and lastly who doesn't know that old people are very stubborn, they like things to be done a certain way as they believe that their way is usually the best (which isn't true in most cases), irrespective of changes in time and environment. Like an African says " What an old man would see sitting, a child won't see standing up"💁

But who has this parable helped in the Game called politics? We see videos and pictures of rulers sleeping every day in the house of assembly and creating nuisance each day either with a prostitute or just oppressing the rights of the poor. Just in case you are wondering, I am referring to my country Nigeria. This is a country whose leader has made a bold statement to the world, at how corrupt the country is. Disregarding the effect of such statement on the lives of several Nigerians (who would want to employ a citizen from a very corrupt country abroad?) Fine!! The present administration was able to recover billions of Dollars and Naira stolen but to whose gain, because as you can see from the news👇, Nigeria is still stated BROKE👀👀!! This leads to the question....Where do recovered money/lofts go to??

VERIFIED SIDECHIC!!!

   Are mature responsible men so hard to find?, I know the population ratio of female to male is high but so?...This is something that has got me thinking for a while now, I may not be mature enough to understand the dating world but I tell you, it's quite embarrassing to hear the words that comes out of some females mouth. If you have ever entered a public transport or opportune to help a relative in the market place, you would understand where I'm coming from!!.
   You would hear statements like:

• The man get wife so what?, she neva born for am sef (pidgin).....meaning> The man has a wife, what difference does it make, when she doesn't have a child for him.
• The wife no sabi cook oooo, he love my food (pidgin)....meaning>  His wife doesn't know how to cook, he enjoys my food more.
• He say he wife no sabi bedmatics, na my own him prefer (pidgin)....meaning>  He said his wife isn't good in bed, I'm better.
• Once I carry belle, he go leave him wife for me (pidgin)....meaning> He would leave his wife for me, eventually I get pregnant.
• The man wife no get him time, na me be him handbag (pidgin)....meaning>  His wife is a very busy woman and doesn't have time for her husband, he takes me everywhere.
• He say he no love him wife (pidgin)....meaning> He said that he doesn't love his wife.
• I be dey date am before he marry her (pidgin)...meaning> I used to date him, before he got married.
• The wife no dey respect the man, na me love am pass (pidgin)..meaning> His wife has little or no respect for him, I love him more.

Shocking right?... Funny but true!! What happened to our self respect as women? This doesn't happen to just married couples alone, even in the dating/courting world, we hear funny stories of girlfriends pouring acids on another female (in the name of 'fighting for her man') and wives beating up the side chic in question.  What happened to the time of our mothers, when both females ends up 'dealing with' the man, upon discovery of the games played on them......but NO!!! Things don't play like that anymore because now, some sidechics think they have absolute right to claim the man in question.


For some of us that may not understand what I mean by the term "SIDECHIC", let me go futher and  explain....A sidechic is a female, who is in a sexual/affectionate relationship with a man who is already in a certified relationship (whether married or courting). Some of you would be wondering, why I added the word 'verified' to sidechic (smiles). A "VERIFIED SIDECHIC" is one who knows of the man current relationship status but isn't scared to be involved in any form of relations with him because she lacks self respect for herself, doesn't have the fear of God in her, sees the other female as little threat and she's a selfish one, who prefers only the output of relationships.


In as much as the 'sidechic' is frowned upon in our society, they exist. These are ladies, mothers pray for their sons not to come in contact with, wives spend hours praying about because their shameless act flow with all form of evil........and their action comes from excuses of a bad breakup, rapes, lack of attention from parents, bad experience(so payback!) or from them been abandoned as kids. Some ladies do like watered grass, they tend to go after their friends boyfriends because the friend looks happy in her relationship and want that same happiness from that same man for herself (scary right?)


The 'verified sidechic' is a female who is looking for love and attention so bad, she does not mind fighting another woman, forgoing her pride and shame just to get what she emotionally craves for. Funny enough, such confidence and boldness must have come from the sweet words she recieves from the man in question.

Who is to blame for the outburst of a sidechic?
The man who encouraged the relationship?
The female who agreed to date a married, or engaged man?
The wife who is not able to satisfy her husbands needs(unknowingly)?

Let us keep the comment section busy.....feel free to share and subscribe to blog. XOXO

BLAME THE WOMAN!!(IT'S EASIER)

    I must say African women are the strongest, at a very young age, I have learnt to understand the numerous responsibilities of an African woman. We are taught to be the backbone of our homes, an angel to our children, a mother and lover to our husbands. Needless to say with such great responsibilities has its ups and downs.

   At a very young age....I came to realize that as an African lady, I get to bear the blame for so many actions, which many of them may not be within my power. In short, I will go further to expatiate....

• A young female who is sexually abused or raped must have caused such actions upon herself by dressing provocatively or been at the right place at wrong time......she is then victimized.
• A beautiful female who isn't doing so well in school, is distracted by her appearance ......her hair is cut off and she is worn over-sized clothes to all events.
• A female who is successful but not married has been very selective with men, has bad characters or maybe a lesbian. 
• A female who is married and having problems with her marriages, says to the public that she's very disrespectful to her husband and refuses to be humble.
•  A female who has been married for a while with children not forthcoming.....she is definitely the fault, she may have had numerous abortions, a damaged womb, or her family has fertility issues.
•  A woman who gives birth to just girls probably has her womb filled with female children.... ( forgetting or being ignorant to the fact that the man is responsible for the sex of a child).
• If the kids are being problematic ...it is the fault of the woman because she didn't train them well enough.
• Even when the man brings in a child out of wedlock, the woman probably doesn't know how to keep her man because she doesn't cook for him or do his laundry.
• When her husbands job isn't as good as before......she is bad luck, or some will say has 'bad head'.

    I could go on and on but I think we get the idea. This brings me to the gist of today, I came across a photo on Instagram about a Kenyan man who chopped off his wife hands for not been able to conceive after seven years of marriage (Abeg oooo, is she God?) and I forgot to add, gave her several cuts on her face.

    Yes!!!!, he was arrested and the woman got to open up, that after a visit to the doctor it was confirmed the man was the one with fertility problems but as we all know, No African man wants to be told he has fertility issues....as in from where na. Probably, the doctor forgot to tell the woman that it is a "woman's" issue. The lady went further saying "the man has been physically abusing her but her pastor told her to stay and pray for her marriage".

    I even came across a video clip on Facebook, of a man beating and cutting his wife with a cutlass. I was in shock at such great wickedness ( I am not saying some women aren't wicked). No matter how great a crime is, no human has the right to establish such act (claim possessed or not). I wonder sometimes, if animals has more love for themselves than us humans.

   I am a youngster, so what do I know about marriages but what I do know is that I am not against prayer and I'm not in support of an abusive relationship (we can never know sometimes, it takes God to reveal). My reason for writing all these is this......The blame tag on the average African woman is just too much, giving some men room for misbehaving and making some believe they have the absolute right over the life of a Woman.

   I pray for Africa, that God gives us insight and our generation proper understanding of the word "WOMAN' but what do I know?.......I'm just sharing my thoughts!!

FUCKBOY ALERT!!!

    This our present generation has made dating so hard mhennn. I get confused at times, some have turned it into score counts and games won. Amidst the hardship of dating still arose some boys, who has made it a duty and task to have sex with as much girls as possible under the tag "Relationship". Most times some don't even place a tag on the type of' 'ship on sail' lolzzz. These boys are what we call "Fuckboys".
     Do not worry girls!!! (I have got your backs ladies), I am going to expose their strategies today. As the saying goes...'Everyday for the thief, one day for the owner'.

Signs that he's a fuckboy!!

• He is so conscious of his looks and his picture editing skills are always on  point.(who else is he trying to look extra good for?).
• He doesn't share anything about his personal life on social media but writes loads  of silly quotes ( where most of them would be about, how much of a cheat girls are).
• He doesn't discuss your future plans or ambitions with you. Although some may try but pay attention.......he makes no effort  on those goals with you.
• He complains that you call him on phone too much or gives too many missed calls (because he doesn't want his main chick or a girl that he may be with, asks who keeps calling).
• At any slight misunderstanding, he may choose to ignore you for a long period of time.....making you apologize like silly (that gives him enough time to spend with other girls).
• He wants you calling him, at his own convenient time.
• He tries to avoid public gatherings with you and makes constant excuse of being busy.
• He tries to give you reasons why he does not like your parents ( claims you parents don't like him)  
• He calls you to hang out with him late at night probably around 10pm above.
• He would openly defend or take his friends side over you....any day, anytime whether they are wrong or not.
• He claims all his exes are crazy and were obsessed with him.
• You never get to know how many women have been in his life because 'you're the best he has ever had'.
• He is a smooth talker ( he can talk you out of an argument to.....baby, what lingerie do you have on?).
• He never prays with you ( maybe he's scared of the wrath  of God).
• All he has to bring to the table is his manhood (has nothing to offer).
• He has no privacy with you when he's with his friends and suddenly becomes controlling ( he want his friends to know that he succeeded in having sex with you.....it's a score count remember!!).

I hope we would be smart as ladies and RUN FOR OUR LIVES.....when most of these listed signs are noticed.